We are MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes you read it right we finally got a house. We get the keys next Tuesday and move on Thursday. It was amusing how it came to be. We applied for a house through a real estate that we hadn't applied through before and unfortunately we were unsuccessful BUT the real estate liked us so much that that really wanted us as tenants so they talked to the landlord of another property that they had for lease and got him to drop the price (by $40 a week) so that we can afford it. So now we are moving into a house that is bigger and better than the others that we had applied for! We get to move before Christmas and before baby and I am generally happy that things are moving along nicely.

It has freed up some brain space and now I can think about and start planning for baby. Probably a good idea as it is getting closer and closer every time I blink. Everyone else in my EB due in group (we are all due at about the same time) are so terribly organised in comparison. I am not feeling to bad now as if the baby was born today it would have somewhere to sleep (after I do a load of washing), a way to travel (after I pick up a layby) and something to wear (again after washing). The rest could be organised later. I will really jump into the set up once we move.

My Nana is staying with me this week. I have things to say but I have an antenatal appointment and don't have the time right now so I will come back.

And my uni results STILL haven't been released!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Photo time

David finally emptied the camera so here are some of my faves

Past exams onto other worries

My Exams are over!!!!

It was such a relief to have them out of the way although now the worry of waiting for the results has set in. Tomorrow is the day that they will send an email to the people that are required to sit a supplementary exam. So if I get an email I am a borderline student and need to sit another CCS MCAT exam on Friday (Yes THIS Friday) and if I don't get an email it means that I either have failed outright and am totally screwed - I would have to fight for a chance to redo first year or that I have passed. The actual results aren't coming out tomorrow so you don't know which of these categories you fall into. I don't know which is worse, getting an email or not getting an email. I don't have a date of when the actual results will be out but I am assuming it will be next week after all the supplementries are sat and processed.
The exams themselves weren't too bad. Now don't take that as a vote of confidence, I came out of the Monday exam thinking I did pretty well but I have since found out that I got soooooooo many things wrong. There was heaps of PPD (population and public health) and PPD (professional and personal development). It is the type of stuff that you take for granted but most of the questions they asked they wanted specific answers and I made up other answers so lots of marks down the drain there. The CCS MCAT was OK. I have worked out that I really need to practice my histories. I mean I know the list, I know the things I need to ask but actually getting it across in the interview is a whole other skill that I realised I suck at. Unfortunately I came to this realisation during the exam. Oh well something to work on for next year (if I get there). The LAB MCAT was meh. I always knew that I sucked at this because they took all the parts that I hate the most and put it into one exam. It was anatomy, microbiology and histology. How evil is that! I did OK on some stations and totally flunked others. That seems to be the general consensus from everyone though. It is funny, people all thought different stations were hard. I hated one of the histo ones, I barely answered any of the questions, but Chris from my PBL said it was a great one. I guess it is a play to ones strengths type thing and his previous degree is in anatomy so he has done it all before. The writtens were ok. I finished the Wednesday one that has multiple choice really fast. I was a little scared I had missed a paper or something but I guess MCQ are just my thing (I should wait to get the results before I say that). So now we are up to waiting.

I went straight from stressing about exams to stressing about houses. I really wanted to move by this weekend but seeing as I still haven't got a house to go to I can pretty much guarantee that that is not going to happen. We have applied for 10 houses so far YES 10!!!! and we still have nowhere to go. I know that 2 students with children doesn't look brilliant on paper but we are good people and I am a good budgeter and the rent will get paid on time and I am even pretty good at keeping the house clean - especially since we are having open houses every weekend here so the house always needs to be spotless. It has got us into a cleaning routine and we didn't even let it get away from us during exams. I just hope it happens soon I mean like tomorrow or something as we really need to move pre Christmas because after that baby is upon us and we run out of time.

Which brings us to our next topic - baby! He is going strong, kicks the shit out of me. I think he is going to be huge. He has been measuring ahead the whole time and it had gotten to the stage where I am uncomfortable and he is right up under my ribs already. I am 31 weeks and 4 days today. I have only been seeing my GP, but I have to go back and see the OB in December. I am just hoping that she doesn't say too big no VBAC. I would be devastated. David thinks I am a bit crazy for trying again I guess I do at times but I know that I will regret it if I don't try.

Other news - My nana had a heart attack. She is OK, she got home from hospital today. But doesn't she know that it is not allowed to happen to her? I mean she has always been a horse, so strong. And now the apex of her heart is dead and she is at an increased risk forever. She thought she had the flu. I told mum to take her to the hospital but mum thought that she had the flu too. It made me upset when she did end up in the hospital, I wanted to say 'told you' but obviously not really appropriate at the time.

Mum annoyed the crap out of today, but I got my own back - well nana did. We didn't know that nana would go home today so we were planning on visiting. Mum and Aimee were coming up and they were going to pick me up on the way. Mum said, several times yesterday that they would be leaving early and would be at my house at 9 or 10 (I just said sure, I have me her before lol). So I get up and ready and cook a batch of scones. At 10 to 9 my phone rings I assume it is mum telling me she is leaving (which would have her at my house at 10:30ish so still late) but it was Emma. Mum rings probably 20 minutes later saying that she had just gotten up. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. That annoyed me as mum had been going on about how she needs to be back by 4 for Aimee’s driving lesson. She also said that Michael was coming, which also annoyed me as he has been an unsupportive prick for the last week. Then like an hour later she rings to say that nana is getting sent home. Then she rings to say that she is now NOT going to pick me up because she was going to take nana home and with fuckface (read Michael) in the car I don't fit. That really really pissed me off but I just said whatever. Then David butted in and sent mum a message saying how pissed I was (which I was annoyed about) so she is like fine we will pick you up. So then they leave then 10 minutes later she rings and is like nana is ready to leave so you'll have to go and pick her up as we are still too far away. That was not the plan!!! I was not supposed to have to drive in the city!!! I HATE driving in the city. I had to enlist David, it was more like drafting because he did not go willingly, and go to the city, then to nanas. So my day went from a nice trouble free visit to nana (in the morning!) to having to drive to the city and disrupt David’s planned day. I know it doesn't sound that bad and I really don't mind doing things for nana, it is just mum and her reckless abandonment plans (gee that makes me sound like a stick but if you had my mother you would understand). It was all because she was too freaking lazy to get out of bed. More annoying is that Paul (my uncle) was organised to pick nana up and mum told him not to bother because she was going anyway. Only to the turn around and palm it off on me. So I got nana and took her home. Mum beat us there. We probably got there at 1sh. Then as it gets towards 2, mum says that she needs to go soon for Aimee’s driving lesson. I told her she had to stay as nana was too scared to be alone and Jenni wouldn't be there till 6. She then wanted me to send David home to pick up the kids while I stay there then have Davis come back in peak hour to pick me up. How totally unreasonable is that!!! So I told her that nana trumps a freaking driving lesson. Nan at this point laid the guilt trip on and being the master manipulator that she is mum ended up staying hehehehe.

The other other news I have is that Rebecca (David's Sister) is pregnant! I was so excited when I heard. It is still very early days. She is due in July so at least this one will have a cousin close in age.

Too many things

I have too many things happening at the moment all of which need my full and undivided attention.

STILL haven't moved. The house has been on the market for a while now but because of the whole world financial crisis crap it hasn't sold (thank god). It almost sold but it fell through which I was pleased about as it was really bad timing. There is nothing out there to rent at the moment. everything is way overpriced and anything that is affordable has 50 odd applications so we don't have much of a chance. We are up to about our 5th application which is pending atm.

Baby is still on the way. He is growing quickly and I am starting to get the beached whale feeling (I think it is too early for this but it is just another thing I have no control over) 3rd trimester now which is pretty scary. Did I tell you it is a boy? I know I haven't posted in a while but I am not sure how long a while lol. We have decided to keep the name a secret so that at least there will be something to announce when he is born. And it makes it fun to tease MIL. She hates the name Dexter so we keep calling him Dex in front of her LOL.

Uni is coming to crunch time, 2 weeks 4 days till exams and I am totally freaking. I have been freaking since about 10 weeks till exams so I am really freaking now. This freaking level probably coincides with the lack of posts. I post now as I am entering the procrastination stage of study. Now I have the guilts, I better go.

The invasion.

The invasion has begun. By that I mean that my house is no longer my own. The push to get it ready for sale is in full swing with a constant stream of David's relatives and soon painters invading my space. I just want to find a new place and be done with it. Today is my 'study day' (I have a lecture in the afternoon but I don't tend to go) and I really enjoy my peace and quiet on Mondays - I don't even let anyone know I am home. Today there was a knock at my door. I was going to ignore it but I had the TV on so I thought I better answer (I thought it would just be someone trying to sell me something) so I did and there was David's aunty. She showed up unannounced (and dare I say uninvited and unwanted) to do some work in the garden. I know that this isn't like some great affliction or she is horrible or invasive but I like my space! I feel like I am living in someone else’s at the moment. I just want to hurry up and find a house and get out of here. Preferably before all the open house crap starts.

We looked at a house on Saturday. It is just about the only one that has what we need that has cropped up in our price range. It was tiny. The rooms were really small. The main bedroom would have room for a bed and pretty much nothing else. But it had an extra little room that could be a toy room and the garage can be used as a study, so it was workable (and we could actually pay the rent which is always a bonus.) The main problem with it was that it was an 'open house' type viewing and there were sooooooooo many people there. I mean we got there a little early and had to park half way down the street. It makes me wonder even if we do find a suitable house how the hell are we supposed to get approved over all these other people. It's not like we have great jobs or anything and are terribly stable. We are students, with kids who live on next to nothing.

In other news I have an exam on Friday (great timing hey). It is a clinical exam, thankfully formative but I still don't want to stuff it up.

10 days till I have my ultrasound and hopefully find out if it is a boy or a girl. Emily was such a brat this morning that I rang David saying that it's not allowed to be another girl lol. She was just being so stubborn and didn't want to get dressed.

I think the amount of space devoted to house talk and to the other facets of my life is very indicative of my state of mind at the moment. I just can't wait till it is all sorted and I don't have to worry about it anymore.

Luna Park

Yesterday we all went to Luna Park. It was for James' birthday which was a week ago. We decided that he wasn't going to have a party this year so we took him, Emily and Paul (a friend) on an outing instead. We dragged Aimee along as well as David hates rides and I can't go on them because I am pregnant. The tickets at Luna Park are done by height so if you are taller than 130cm you can go on any ride you like, between 106-129cm you can co on some and go on others with someone over 18. James was 128cm. It was very frustrating, especially because Paul was over 130cm and was able to go on things that James couldn't. At one stage James and Emily went on the 'kiddy' rides while Paul and Aimee went on the pirate ship (I think it is called the ranger there), poor James looked soooooo bored on the kiddy rides and jealous that Paul got to go on the cool ones.

Emily was a little brat on the way there and almost got sent home with David. She just threw a massive tantrum on the way there, I can't even remember why because it was such a stupid reason. David and Emily just don't mix when they are cranky. She gets to a point where she has just 'lost it' and needs to be calmed down before any sense can be talked into her and David refuses to hug her (which calms her down) until she stops throwing a tantrum. It makes for a fun experience as they can both be as bad as each other - it must be the red hair.

We got lots of photos. Proof that my children are insane. Some of the rides I just had to hold my hands over my mouth as I watched my tiny little babies spin around and go up high and stick to walls. I guess they are getting bigger than I like to think they are. I will post some photos when I work out where David put the camera.

Sounds good

I have to move..........

and I don't want to.

At the beginning of last year we were happily living in Wollongong (nice and close to mum) when the decision was made to uproot our family and move to Sydney. James had started kindy so it was a BIG decision. I was going to apply for my course at Wollongong but applied to and have now started uni up here. The move was hard, it was a new area and we had no friends and my son had a very hard time settling in to a new school. We moved because we were able to live in DHs grandfather's house at significantly reduced rent. This was supposed to help us get on top of things financially and also create stability because it was a family house, it wouldn't get sold from under us and we could basically stay as long as we felt we needed to - which was going to be 5+ years until I finished uni and had a stable income. We moved in July.

In December David's grandfather passed away quite unexpectedly. The house was inherited by his 3 children. MIL, an aunt and an uncle. We were told in about feb/march that the house would be sold in December so it gave us time. In my head it was getting listed in December so I figured it would probably sell in January and we would have to be out in about March. It gave us a bit of time especially because I am having a baby in January. Yesterday we go told that the house is going on the market in 2 weeks, it will probably take about 20 days to sell and to start packing as they want most of our stuff packed before they paint in a week. So we have about 1-2 months to find a new place. We do not want to move out of the area as both kids are now settled in school, it is convenient for me to get to uni (still takes over an hour but that is fine) and we don't want to uproot again as it was so very hard last time. But we can't afford to live here. In march when we started watching the rental market we could just manage to rent a crappy little house and now we can't even afford that, the rents have gone up by about $50 a week so we just don't know what to do. We pretty much have 4 options

1. Pay rent in this area and just not be able to eat (not particularly viable)
2. Take charity from PIL who have offered to help with rent so we can stay in the area (I do NOT want to do this)
3. Move back to Wollongong (rents aren't that much cheaper, but I would be closer to mum, DS could go back to his old school so would be fine but DD would have to adjust, and it would take 2+ hours to get to uni so leave by 6:15 not home till 7)
4. Move out west - Penrithish (rents are cheaper, 1.5 hours to uni, and have friends as we lived in the area before we went to Wollongong BUT kids would have to start a new school and find new friends again.)

I just don't know what to do. I am annoyed that the timeline has shifted so much. And upset that my dream of stability has been disrupted and just angry at the whole situation.

Don't get me wrong, I am not upset AT anyone (such as MIL, aunt and uncle) I understand that the house has to be sold and that it was just bad luck that our stability ended so soon. But it doesn't make the current situation any easier to deal with. Add that to my hyper emotional pregnancy state and my very demanding and full on uni course and it is all just a little hard to deal with right now.

PT needs sleep

Uni went back this week after our little break and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I don't mean stress wise or mentally I mean physically. I was simply exhausted by the end of each day and the week left me pretty shattered. I am just hoping it was just 'getting back into the swing of things' rather than something that will become an issue. It left me so tired that I just haven't done any work outside of uni and I really need to get on top of it before I drown. I was even getting at least 8 hours sleep and having a nap on the train on the way home but it is not enough. Please please please tell me that this is not permanent.

I'm Back!!!!

I had to take a break from blogging for a while but I think it is time I started again.

Pregnancy News
All is well (although I am constantly paranoid that it is not). There was a rough few weeks in there for a while. I stated bleeding at (what I thought was) 9 weeks. It sent me to pieces. I thought that I was having another miscarriage. My GP was great, he saw me straight away after I rang and sent me for an ultrasound. Everything was OK. Bub had a heartbeat although it was only 117bpm which is a little low and it was only measuring 7+3 weeks. I felt OK for a day but then the bleeding got heavier so I started to freak out again. GP sent me for another ultrasound (about 6 days after the first) and I was 100% expecting bad news. I was pleasantly surprised as bubs was still hanging in there HR was increased and was growing at the right rate. There was still a lot of blood though and no indication on the u/s as to the cause. GP rang the hospital that I was booked into and got them to move my next appointment to closer as he wanted an ob to check things over. OB at hosp. pretty much did nothing about it. He just said 'it happens in 20% of pregnancies', it was like thanks for the stats but it doesn't make me feel any better. Luckily because of the whole VBA2C thing he made another appointment for me in 2 weeks with the high risk OB. I had to sit it out till then. By the time the appt rolled around the bleeding was starting to ease up. She was lovely and did an u/s just to check on things. Bub was still there, heart beating away. That was at about 10 weeks (by the adjusted dates) and I don't have to see another doc till 16 weeks. I ended up bleeding for about 3 weeks but it all seems to be gone now. I won't get to see my bub again till early Sept when I have the morphology scan so I am just closing my eyes and hoping for the best then. So I 'lost' a week and a half when my dates were adjusted by the u/s so I feel like I have been pregnant for ever and I am only 13+3 weeks. My new EDD is 23 January. As for the me side rather than the medical side, I am OK. Not wonderful, I still seem to be getting sick but it does seem to be more morning based now than all day and smells have been making me vomit. David filled a petrol bottle for the lawn mower and spilled some on himself and then we had to drive home and I ended up throwing up in the car because I just couldn't stand the smell. The vomit smelt SOOO much better LOL. I have no belly yet. I am in 2 minds about it. I mean a belly gets in the way and I know how uncomfortable it makes you, but I would love people to be able to tell I was pregnant. It also worries me because of the earlier problems and by this time with Emily I was getting pretty huge. Oh and the third bad thing is that the baby is still growing and taking up space and if it doesn't stick out the front it just means it is squashing everything and that is exactly how it feels. There is pressure up under my ribs from things being pushed up and my bladder is the size of a pea. I have even had to get up at night and go to the toilet. For me that is huge as I never even had to do this when I was 9 months with the other 2.

Other News
I have been having uni holidays. It has been wonderful I needed the break so much. We had an exam before the break (great timing with all the other stress I had). The results are out and I did alright, especially considering how little study I did and how extremely distracted I was. I got 100/140. The pass mark was 81 and the average was 93.9. Out of 111, 16 people failed. I came 38th out of 111 so I am content with that. It sets a benchmark to improve upon. Uni went back today - but I didn't. David had classes and the kids don't go back till tomorrow so I had to skip it. I would have liked to go the lecture topics actually seemed interesting.

We spent a week at mum’s house. It was OK. I was glad to have my bed back at the end though. She didn't annoy me too much. Aimee did though; I guess she can't help it she is 17. She is just so rude and lazy and it drove me insane. Mum set boundaries (you can't go to your friends till your room is clean) and then gave in on them. Now 2 weeks latter her room is still a bomb site. It is a HUGE room. It is meant to be a rumpus but Aimee wanted it for a bedroom and she has covered the entire floor with clothes. She goes back to school tomorrow.

In house news, my dad fixed the roof so David's parents, sister, uncle, aunty, cousin and cousin's daughter all came over yesterday to paint it. David was in Gerringong at mums so it was just me and the kids and I felt so uncomfortable. I am fine (to an extent) with his parents and sister but it was just weird because they (especially aunt/uncle) were inspecting the house. They walked around every room, even opened my bedroom door, which was closed because it was messy. I just felt so invaded. They are all very comfortable here, they grew up here so it is not unexpected but I live here now. Add to that his aunt was all moody because she doesn't want to wait till December to sell the house as she wants her money now, and I was left feeling very small and insignificant. So the house will definitely go on the market in December and then we will be screwed. We could just afford to rent in this area but now the rents have gone up so much that it is just not possible. I don't know what to do. And it will all be such bad timing. Oh well I guess we have 6 months to work it out. I just need to win the lottery.

Baby on the brain

We are all travelling well here. I am being a bit pregnancy focused at the moment but I am trying to not let it consume me. David pissed me off yesterday. It was about 10pm and I was tired and wanted to go to bed and he said 'why do you want to go to bed early all the time, you sleep too much' and I was like, 'ah, I’m pregnant' and he said 'you're only 6 weeks'. It sounds really small but it really upset me at the time because hell yeah I am more tired than usual. It doesn't matter that I am still in the early days I still have hormones flying all over the place and doesn't he know that all the organs are formed in the first 12 weeks anyway, after that it is just growing and maturing. You could say well how is he supposed to know that, but he IS supposed to know that. He did a little bit of embryology at uni a week or two ago and he talked about it like he was interested so I brought home a human embryology book from uni and he didn't even look at it. Not to mention that I have borrowed both obstetrics and midwifery books. I was kind of hoping that he would take more interest in this pregnancy considering that he will be the main caregiver once the baby is born but no, he is too addicted to that stupid fucking WOW. I HATE WOW. I want to sue blizzard. They are creating a generation of mindless drones who are completely unable to interact IRL because they NEED to do this battleground, and instead of coming downstairs and talking to their partners (if their partners haven't left them yet) they go to a 'pub' in the game. How much more losery do you get? Oops that was such an unintentional vent. I have an agreement from him now anyway, once his account expires that is it, he is done. It expires on the 10th of June, you have no idea how much I am counting down the days.

In other news dad came over and fixed the roof. It has been leaking since we moved in and it had a big gaping hole upstairs that I was always petrified that spiders would come in through. It was good to see him (it is pretty rare) but he annoyed me because he never said congratulations about the baby. On Thursday David told him when I was at uni and when I got home he said nothing about it at all even when I brought it up. I didn't see him Friday because I was at uni and on Saturday he just said 'why?’ It is so annoying, both my mother and father view a pregnancy as an unwanted, undesirable thing. They act as though it was the worst thing that could have happened. I mean I understand that getting pregnant was hat forced them to get married - which obviously was not a good thing but my pregnancy was PLANNED. We WANT this baby, it isn't something that we are willing to 'put up with' it is not an inconvenience. Why can't they just understand this? Mum still insists on calling me insane, she can't see why I would want a baby. It is about the first thing I have ever seen them agree on LOL.

I went to the doctor on Wednesday just to get the ball rolling and it seems to be rolling faster than I expected. I have an appointment with the hospital ANC (antenatal clinic) at just 7+5 weeks. We were conspiring as to which hospital to send me to. I say conspiring because I have had 2 previous caesareans and I am a public patient so I don't really have a choice in OB so I have to choose a hospital that gives me the highest chance of being allowed to have a trial of labour. So I have 3 hospitals around, there is Liverpool which is a big one, St George also big but further away and Bankstown which has a smaller maternity unit and doesn't really take on the higher risk cases. We decided to go with Bankstown because they are attached to both Liverpool and RPA. So I will go to Bankstown hopefully get classed as high risk and be sent to RPA as RPA is the hospital most likely to let me try. I just hope that our evil planning works and they don't just say no outright. I would be very tempted to try and find a midwife willing to do a VBA2C home birth if they won't let me try but I really would prefer to be in a hospital. Nothing I can do now but wait for the appointment.

I have a mid year exam for uni in 32 days so I am starting to freak. That is barely 2 days a topic and we have to keep doing the current work at the same time. I really need to focus on this and not the baby.

Baby on Board!!!!!!

Well our best laid plans have actually worked! I am having a baby!
It is due on the 15th of January and we are very happy. Of course I am completely hopeless at keeping secrets and have told everyone I have ever met (I even announced it on facebook lol). Lets just hope that I don't miscarry this time. I am actually freaking out about that possibility, I don't think I would handle it very well as I am in such a different frame of mind than I was in in Febuary. I am already picking names LOL

For a boy I have
Thomas
William
Jackson

For a girl I have
Poppy
Eliza
Rose

These lists will inevitably get longer but I haven't had much time to think about it yet. I only found out yesterday.

I am so naughty

I am so naughty, for 2 reasons but I am only going to tell you one LOL. I should be hanging around waiting for my 2 pm prac class but alas I find myself on a train on the way home. I am rationalising it by saying that the pracs are interesting and all but I don't learn much (more apply what I already know) and the smell makes me dizzy and the examinations seem a little redundant as I know them pretty well because I made sure of it for last weeks osce. So here I am going home. I have other reasons too. I have to finish of my philosophy essay so I can hand it in tomorrow. I had a really late night last night and am already sleepy so don't want to have to pull a late one. Have I convinced you yet?

Since this seems to have become my new style of blogging (using my mobile on the train) I thought that I better sign up to that mobile bloggy thingo but they haven't sent a message back. Just another annoyance to add to the pile.

I have been thinking about 'stuff' lately (maybe philosophy is having an effect on me) and the more I think about it the more I believe that religion is just a load of shit. Not any particular one, all of them. They are quite hilarious when you look at them objectively. I was brought up a catholic but mum says that I have always been pretty areligious. I never really believed in any of it. I just did because I had to. I got 'confirmed' because I wanted a confirmation name. Rose seemed so much nicer to a 10 year old than my own name. It is pretty ridiculous expecting 10 year olds to 'confirm' that this is what they want to think for the rest of their lives. Orthodox churches can be even worse, both baptising and confirming in one hit as a baby. It doesn't really mean anything to confirm some thing if you don't have the mental capacity to know what you are confirming. I did try out some other religions when I was a teenager but I soon came to realise that it was the whole religion hat that just didn't fit. I was Wiccan for a while (a year or two) I didn't have as much of an issue with this as it was more self directed but I still didn't believe so I decided not to waste my time. I was walking to the train to uni a week or so ago and I have to walk past an Anglican church. They have a poster board out the front and change the posters periodically to try and convey their message. The one on this particular day had a picture of the solar system and an arrow point in to Earth. It had a caption that said 'this is his (gods) favourite one' or something of the like. It made me laugh out loud. If anything this would make stop believing in god rather than bringing followers in. I mean if gad created us and he created the entire universe firstly he is not going to just pick one tiny planet and say this is where you shall stay. He would be much more likely to not bother creating the rest of it or make the universe less sparsely populated. Or if he insisted that we all are here he could have at least given us spaceships.

I just walked home and the poster was still there so I took a pic of it for you.

Then there is the fundamentalist religions. Not any religion in particular, just those people that are really fanatical about their beliefs. It came to question whether bringing children up in a fundamentalist manner is child abuse in one of the forums I frequent. I don't see how someone can look at it in any other way. I am not talking about the parents that take their kids to church each week and send them to a religious school, we are talking about those that are completely fanatical and let their religion dictate every decision that they make about their kids. No child brought up in this way could possible come out the other end with a well rounded and realistic view of the world. It will impair their ability to function in society and there is no doubt in my mind that that is abuse. That goes for fundamentalist atheists too. I think it came up because of the fundamentalist sect in Texas that had all those children taken away recently. It really is abuse. The things that people do to others in the name of religion are absurd and we as a society should not stand back and accept it because it is done under the guise of ‘religion’.

OK I’ll get off my soap box now.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

I hate cold rainy days!

Today on the way to uni, I got caught in a huge downpour. It wasn't even raining when I left home. I didn't take my leather trench coat (best rain coat ever!) but luckily I had my umbrella. I got out at museum and it was raining. Not too bad, just raining. I started to walk. Most of the walk I have to do is undercover, just one block at the beginning and one at the end. When I started to walk it started to piss down. It was raining sooooo hard. I got drenched. My jeans were wet to above the knees my brand new shoes were all squelchy and I was FREEZING. I was so wet that my pants didn't dry till about 3pm. Not only was there this torrential rain but I was struggling with the umbrella and some notes that I had to read as I had an exam this morning. Just my luck huh.

The exam went ok. It was an OSCE so nothing to scary. The station that I ended up with was a respiratory examination. I did pretty well on the practical stuff I only forgot 1 minor thing but then they had a question after it and the question was just WTF????????? and it wasn't just me, no one in my PBL had any idea what it was trying to ask yet alone the freaking answer. I felt so jipped. I had done really well on all the important stuff and then this one fucking ridiculous questions fucks up my mark (it was formative so the marks don't count towards anything but that doesn't mean that I don't want to do well.) I ended up with 15/20 as the question was worth 4 marks. It is just sooo annoying.

Ben (5yo nephew) has been staying with us for the last few days so it has been a little hectic around here. It will be nice when school goes back and some normality returns. Holidays are so hard when you don't have any time off. Emily has been getting left out a bit so I might take her for some special 'girl' time tomorrow after we take Ben to the airport.

Have I told you about my crazy sister? I mean Emma this time not Aimee. Well I just don't get her. A few weeks ago she just up and left her partner of 8 years (this is bens parents) and went chasing some girl she had a crush on to another state. The other girl had just been dumped (I don't know all the gritties). I don't really know what her thought processes were. She says that she wasn't unhappy or anything and she doesn't know why she did it. If you don't know why then why fucking do it??????? I don't know. It is just so annoying; she is so much like dad (not a good thing). I am just wired in a totally different way and I just don't get it. I guess I don't need to get it I just need to accept it.

Emo

I just read over all those posts because it has been a while since I wrote them, and those first two are so emo LOL.

I must have been having a bad week.

Just ignore my rambling.

Catch up

I know that it seems like I have been neglecting to blog but I really haven't I just haven't gotten around to posting things lately. I tend to type my posts on the train on my mobile but I just haven't gotten around to posting them on here yet. But here they are.

18/03/2008

I am starting to feel entirely out of my depth at med school. I am not sure what it is that makes me feel like this but I don’t like it. I don’t work on the weekends. This is the 3^rd one in a row. I do the work it isn't that hard but I never can remember anything. Everyone else can not only remember but apply all this stuff we have learnt. I don’t even know the easy stuff. Then there is the fact that l am not like any of them. I have an entirely different life and I am struggling with my priorities. I didn’t do any work on the weekend. That is the third one in a row. It is the only time I get to See the kids and relax so it is very hard to get motivated to do anything at all on a weekend. I mean I get one day with my Family and then David has to go to mums to work on Sunday & I am stuck with no car & 2 kids all day and night. It is not very inductive to study. The kids demand my attention all day and am just exhausted by the time they go to bed & just want to bludge. And when David goes he takes the laptop so I have to go upstairs to study and it is a little scary and alien when David is not home. (yes I know that i am a dag) Then I get to uni today & someone says ''I didn't do anything on the weekend' but then I find out she did 4 hours and this is just her interpretation of ''nothing" It made me reassess my own definitions and study ethos. I started a ''health kick' today. I really need to get a handle on it.

29/03/2008

I am isolated. My sister has run away. My husband is married to the computer. My children are beginning to have their own lives and my mother is too busy to talk. I am not right. I am just feeling overwhelmed. Everyone loves and supports me. It is me that has fallen in a hole. I just need to sleep.

04/04/2008

Well I am not feeling as bad as I did last week. I got over it. I mean I am still behind but I am not stressing as much as I have a plan. I had to do a presentation for stupid philosophy yesterday so a lot of my catch up time has been spent doing that and there is an essay plan due next week. Have I vented about how much I hate philosophy? I HATE philosophy. I remember when I was trying to decide on which uni to go to I thought the idea of doing philosophy theology and ethics was interesting but I was wrong. The people teaching it are tools. I guess you can't expect anything else when they devote their lives to thinking about other peoples thoughts. I like Gettier best of all the philosophers because all he wrote was a two and a half page thing really spaced out and set out with very concise mathematical like ideas. He only wrote it because he had to publish to get tenure. No waffle, no bitching about other philosophers or worse still sucking on their cocks. This is the way all philosophers should be. Some of the readings we have to do are so long and waffly that 60 page of a book can be summarised into one sentence, I kid you not. They are all just so convoluted and try to put things in such wording that can't be pulled apart by their peers that they end up being unable to say much at all. Our tutor is like you can’t just read a reading once you need to read it lots of times and really pull it apart. Just read it every night she says. Like we have the time for that. Hello doesn't she know that we are doing medicine? Spare time is non existent. Doesn't she know that we barely have time to scratch our arses yet alone stick our heads up someone else’s.

Gee I love a good rant

Till next time.

Today

Guess what. The kids are going to mums on Sunday and not coming home till Wednesday. It is school holidays and David’s break didn't match up at all and I don't get a mid-session break. So the kids are spending a few days with mum next week and the week after they will have a day with the other grandparents. Ben is flying down too so it should be good except that Ben is staying 6 nights so 3 of those will be at our house. I am kinda glad that I will get to go to uni during the days as the kids all go a bit feral when they are together. David is going to have fun.

In other news David and I have been talking about having another baby. After the miscarriage it kind of reminded me that I want to have another one (Or 2 but don't tell David as I don’t want to scare him). He is a lot more into the idea than he was a couple of years ago when I was pushing for it. It will be hard with uni and all but you know me 'just keep swimming' as a famous little fish once said.

Trains, Planes and Automobiles

People on trains are weird. There is always such an assortment that you cant help but watch them. Where else can you cram 100 odd people into a tiny space and have complete silence. You can be all smooshed up against the person next to you but you don't say a word to them. I don't think it is a bad thing. Trains are not designed for social networking and I feel terribly uncomfortable if someone tries to chat. There are people that look like high powered business people, the school kids, the druggos that never fail to ask for money and ordinary people like me (not that I have seen many of those). It would just be interesting to find out what all these people do for a living, why they want to be a sardine. Marketers should target trains, there is a huge assortment of people so you are bound to reach your target market and on the train people will read anything (it helps you not have to interact with everyone around you). On my train this morning I had to sit in the seat that faces everyone else. Over half of the people in the carriage were sound asleep. I don't understand how people can sleep on a train surrounded by people they don't know, I always think that I am going to wake up and my bag will be gone, so I just don't do it. I am also paranoid because when I was in kindy my sister and I had to catch the bus to and from school. One day Emma fell asleep on the way home and I couldn't get her to wake up so I had to leave her on the bus. It sounds like a ridiculous decision now but I was 5 so I let myself get away with it. Anyway, then I stood at the bus stop and cried for an hour (probably not but it felt like it because I was 5) until dad came to find out why we weren't home yet. He was pretty angry with me. Luckily the bus driver noticed that there was a kid left when he finished his trip and drove her back home. But I don't want to fall asleep and end up in whoop whoop.

My baby girl

I finally found the cable for the camera. So here is my baby girl on her first day of school.

Plodding along

Well I am nearing the end of week 3 and I am still alive (and relatively sane). Yes that is a huge acheivement!

Sarah (the girl from PBL) did end up dropping out. What a waste of time and effort getting in. We are going to get a new person. There was a pretty big waiting list and because we are still pretty early into the peice they have offered the place to someone else. His name is James and we should get to meet him tomorrow.

I am finding it all pretty interesting. This weeks PBL is on genetic disorders. It is about a grandmother whose 19yo daughter has a baby and it as down syndrome. So we had to learn all about genetics which is no small task for someone who has never done any biology. We actually have a day off today!!!! Well it is not totally off. there is a prac class for non-science students that I probably should have gone to because it is lab skills in micro/haem/histo labs which I have never done, but I rationalised it by saying that it is more for non science people and trying to get them used to and comfortable in labs. I am very comfortable in labs I just dont know WTF I am doing in regards to specific procedures. Oh well the decision is made now. I will probably benefit more from the study anyway (like the study I am doing right now).

In other news............
David starts back at uni on Monday. We had all of the childcare arrangements sorted even down to my mother minding them on one afternoon (which is no small feat considering she lives an hour and a half away) and thay go and change the timetable on us. Now it is really sucky. Either the kids have to go to before school care on Tuesdays which is a pain as it is not at the school like after school care or they have to go on Monday afternoons of which I will only sometimes be home in time to pick them up (david never will be). The day davids folks have them has had to change from Mondays to Tuesdays which they don't mind except it means that this week they already have plans and cant do it. I am at uni from 8-6 on Tuesday so I am no help and David is stuck there till 5:30. So we are pretty screwed and haven't figured out how to make it work yet.

There isn't that much news other than that. med school is a bit consuming at the moment so hopefully I will find the balance soon.

The first week.

OK for a round up of week one of med school.

Here we all are

I am at the front, 4th from the right, in the purple top. That photo was on the front page of the catholic weekly. I said to my nana 'I bet I was the last grandkid you expected to see in that paper'. She just grumbled. She likes to try and ignore the fact that I have an extremely different belief system to her.

I don't really know what one word descriptor I should use. I could say 'good' but that doesn't really say much. I won't say 'brilliant' because there was far too much work and freaking out involved. I think that I will have to stick with 'interesting', but said in that drawn out not so sure what to say way.

Monday and Tuesday were pretty routine boring kind of days but because everything was new and exciting I wasn't bored at the time. They were just introduction lectures, each new person coming in and explaining how their section was the most important. Things got more interesting from Wednesday as we started PBL (problem based learning). We have groups of 8 and we are in the group for a whole year. My group is 5 girls 3 boys and I am the 2nd oldest. Within the group there are several people who know sooo much more than me. They have really relevant past degrees and experience. I am finding that having a chemistry degree really does not help at all. I am going to need to do a lot of work to keep ahead of the 8 ball. We all walked away from this freaking out a little bit because we had lists of things that we had to research and investigate in order to present to the group on Friday. There was a lot to be done and not much time. One of our group members Sarah was really kinda freaked out afterwards saying that she didn't realise that it was going to be so much work or time. I didn't see her in the lectures that afternoon or the labs on Thursday and she wasn't in PBL on Friday so now I am worried that she got scared off. I hope she didn’t. It seems like a lot of work to put into getting into something only to quit as soon as it starts. I hope she comes back this week. Thursday was UTS day. The uni has an agreement with UTS so we have 1 day a week there in the labs and receiving lectures from their people. At first we were all told that we would need to be there at 8am which we were all dreading, luckily it was revised to 9am. The timetable had us in 'Orientation' from 9 till 1 then labs from 2 till 6. Orientation took 45 minutes. By 9:45am we were done and just had to 'hang' till 2pm for the labs. 4 hours to kill. I used some of this time to do the stuff I should have done when I was in my procrastination phase (see previous post). It was still annoying. I mean why not have just put the orientation lecture at 1pm? It was very basic, anyone could have done it. Friday was clinical skills, PBL and more lectures. I was sooo glad when the week was over because I was just buggered. I have to start it all again tomorrow.

I CAN do this it is just going to take a lot of retraining myself with my study habits and I will need to start using my time more wisely. I should get to studying.

Let the procrastination begin!

I should be studying. I have soooo much to do. Yet here I am. Today I came home from uni had a nap, had some dinner watched some TV then have been fucking around on the internet. I better get my arse into gear before I get too far behind. I hate trying to catch up. The stuff I need to do doesn't have to be done till Friday, but tomorrow is a long day and I really should have gotten it done. I am very disappointed with myself. I started up very good yesterday but today it crashed. Not very good for just 3 days in. I'll have to do better tomorrow.

A little suprise.

I don't really know how to feel right now.

I just had a miscarriage.

I was about 8 weeks. I hadn't done a test, so I didn't really 'know' but I kind of figured. I was late, very late and I had several other tell tale signs that I chose to ignore because I had other things to concentrate on. I start medical school tomorrow.

I feel a few things. I feel sad, I mean that baby could have been a James or an Emily. I feel relieved, a baby was not what I had on the cards right now. I feel guilty, did I do this? Did me wanting not to be pregnant somehow make this happen?

It wasn't really the start to medical school I wanted. It started on Friday when I was at enrolment. Very heavy bleeding, I had to go to the bathroom every 20-30 minutes. I knew what was happening yet I had to sit there and chat to all the other new students like it wasn't happening. I'm not quite sure how I managed. The baby came out tonight.

I have to be at uni at 9:30 tomorrow.

Should I tell mum and stuff? It seems a little strange to say, 'hey mum I was pregnant but I'm not now' It’s almost like it didn't happen.

Oh well.

Here's to a better day tomorrow.

A Weekend

I just don't get the whole facebook thing. I have been resisting getting one for yonks despite people sending me those invitations, however yesterday I decided to give in. The medical school in ND has set up a facebook thing so I thought that I should finally join. I have just spent like an hour trying to work out what the f**k to do. I signed up, then I put in a few bit and pieces about me as I figured I shouldn't leave my profile blank like I did when I took the same step in myspace (until my sister decided to put stuff in it for me as she didn't like having such a bare page in her friends list) Then I went about the annoying task of trying to find the und page or profile or whatever it is I need to find to join the group I wanted to join and I could find nothing. The search functions are ridiculous, I couldn’t find anything I wanted to (It probably has more to do with me than the search engines). So I gave up and came to blog instead. I now have a poor lonely facebook page that is only half done LOL.

You may ask why I am spending my time stuffing around on the computer well it is because I have a weekend!!!! Yes I know that it doesn't sound that extraordinary but I haven't experienced one of these strange availabilities of time in over 6 months. I no longer work for my mother because of med, thus I no longer have to make the long trek down to Gerringong every weekend. I don't really know what to do with myself.

We went to the farmers market this morning to get some nice fresh fruit and veg, and I lost an envelope with over $200 in it. It is very upsetting as that money was supposed to cover lots of thing (more things than there was money unfortunately) now we are pretty screwed and I am not sure what to do.

Beginings

My baby girl started school today. She wasn't upset at all, she quite happily went off into the classroom. I was OK too. I think if I had time to experience how quiet the house is without kids I might get more upset but my own adventure starts tommorrow. Med school enrolments. I don't know if I am nervous as I have been avoiding thinking about it. I mean it is only enrolment so it is just admin stuff, getting student card, computer login and general uni stuff that is not medicine related, so it is not scary in that way. But I am going to be meeting the people that I am to spend the next 4 years of my life with. I am not so good at meeting people, too shy. I am also worried about the first impression I will give off. I think it is a bit hypocrytical to be an overweight doctor so how will an overweight medical student go down with my new peers? The other UND sydney students from the paging dr forum I frequent all met up for dinner the other night so they will all know each other, but I didn't go. A mixture of bad timing, the fact that it was thai and I can't eat thai and fear led to that decision, but now I wish I had as at least then there would be a friendly face.
Well I have to go and get organised now. Wish me luck.

P.S. I have some cute first day of school photos of Emmy that I will post as soon as I find the cable. My stupid camera couldn't just be simple and have a micro USB port, it has to have its own plug style and a cable that has legs.

My graduation

Oh yeah, I got this photo and thought I would share.

January Blues

I am not enjoying January. It is 'busy period' at mum’s restaurant and she has been working us into the ground. We decided with her in December that we were happy to help out and that we would spend 5 days down there in the caravan (about 1.5-2 hours away) then home for Wednesday and Thursday. It worked fine for the first week but then this week she cancelled our days at home!!!! Yes she decided completely independent of us that we didn't need to go home so we could have 1 day a week off. We escaped in the middle of the night last night and snuck home LOL. Unfortunately I have to be at work at 10:30 tomorrow so we have to go back home at 8:30am tomorrow :(

I kinda feel like I have had to sacrifice my last month of freedom before the big medical school adventure. Oh well, such is life (in my family at least). David and I were laughing about the fact that most people sneak away to a cabin on the coast on their days off and we snuck from a cabin on the coast to home. Kinda funny, kinda sad. That word 'kinda' is annoying; I wonder if it is even classed as a real word.

Today we did the big 'Back to School' shop. It took forever. I have a few rants about it. Emily got her school shoes and demanded to wear them around the shops; she looked like such a dag. But she was a happy dag. I can't believe my baby is going to be joining her brother at big school already.

WARNING RANT AHEAD

My major rant about our shopping experience is about Kmart. (Do I ever need to go anywhere else for a good rant?). Anyway, we lined up at the checkouts, the lines were pretty huge because like usual they didn't have enough staff on. I chose the shortest line as you do, it only had 3 people in front of me which was a pretty good score considering the number of people in the other lines. The first person went through pretty quickly, but the next though something was on special and it was not and she wanted it checked, fine, it happens sometimes, however the stupid dumb arsed cashier just stood there looking confused, trying to get the attention of a supervisor by LOOKING at her, like hello, that is what your dinging thing is for. Then she actually left her register and went off to work out if it was the right price. It was and the lady didn’t want it. Ok crisis averted, and it only took 10 minutes, Emily has given up standing and is sitting on the filthy floor by now. The lady in from of me puts her stuff up, this lady was already on my nerves because her stupid teenage daughter has been pushing past me every two freaking seconds with new stuff to buy, like if you haven't finished shopping then why the F**k are you in the line! This lady then proceeds to ask the price of every piece of clothing she has (she has a whole pile) She starts to say "I thought that these were half price" which of course sends the brain-dead cashier in to the supervisor attention getting tactics that we have seen implemented previously. The lady starts going on about the catalogue so brain-dead cashier get one out and the lady show her on the back where it says that selected summer clearance lines are now up to 50% off their original price. The idiot had been walking around the entire clothes section thinking it is all half price. The brain-dead cashier STILL didn't get it and was like "I'm not sure why it's not half price". Everyone who has ever been to Kmart knows that the clearance clothes are on clearance racks, and this idiot that is employed there does not. After more stupidity witnessed, the other cashier say to brain-dead cashier that it is only the items with a yellow tag, no da! So after wasting all of my precious time (and my time is very precious; see first part of this post) she leaves only purchasing a slutty diamante g-string and this hideous red bra. David and James went to get coffee during this ordeal and by the time we got to them at Gloria Jeans they had ordered, received (and this GJ is notorious for their extremely slow coffee making) and almost completely drunk their coffees. Worse still we had missed something and had to go back to Kmart later.

OK RANT OVER

Ranting always makes me buggered so I am done now.